Battle with my Heart

Can you really get over someone you love?
Flashback to four years ago...
I started "talking' to some guy. I wasn't really interested in him initially, but with time he grew on me. I allowed myself to get emotionally attached, and completely immersed myself into what quickly became an "official" relationship. Everything was perfect, or at least I thought it was.

Fast forward to two years into the relationship...
My "boyfriend" had an epiphany, and he suddenly realized that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Hello! After two whole years...Really?
Anyway, he promptly ended the one sided "relationship", and swiftly moved on to the next catch. Meanwhile I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. The pain was indescribable. I was an emotional wreck. I hated him; but I still loved him. I never wanted to see him again; but I wanted him back. I wanted him to hurt like he had hurt me, but I wanted to see him smile again. I was torn!


Fast forward to four years post- end of "relationship"
I still catch myself thinking about the lad. I am over him, or at least I think I am. Wait, I know I am. I know this because if he showed up at my doorstep this very moment, and said he wanted me back, my response would be a resounding NO. I'm at a different point in my life. Time has made me wiser; I know what I want out of a relationship now. So why do I still think about him? I don't want him back, but I still love him. There I said it, I love him BUT I'm not in love with him.

So why is it that my heart doesn't listen to my mind?
It is said that you can't choose who you fall in love with; your heart is the dictator that makes that decision for you. So it is that your heart doesn't let go of what it has declared it's own.
Well, needless to say I am up against a powerful dictator. Pray tell what's a girl to do?

Ghetto phone habits: Didn't your mama teach you how to act?

Ever encountered a person who completely lacks phone etiquette?

1. Inclusion in conversations unwillingly
I have just about had it with people who include me in their phone conversations without asking.I don't need to hear gossip about people I have never, and probably will never meet. So what her weave is a hot mess? I don't need to know all that. Whisper, or excuse yourself, and go talk outside.
In the checkout lane at the grocery store, this lady just had to find out what some character called Misty wore to the club the night before.She then had the audacity to gesture to the cashier to wait until she finished her conversation! Meanwhile the rest of us in line had to grit our teeth, and wait patiently.

2. Shouting on the phone
I mean really, it's so unnecessary. If the person can hear you clearly while speaking face to face in a normal voice, they should be able to hear you speak at the same or lower volume over the phone. Phones or hands free devices are pressed to the ear hint hint.

3. Ringtones
I love ring tones just as much as the next person, but does the volume have to be turned all the way up? If people can hear your latest hit song ringtone from miles away, then yes it is probably just a tad too loud.

4. Driving while talking or texting.
Now this one gets to me the most. Unless having that conversation on a freeway where speeds are 60-70 mph would result in a life being saved, or global warming being stopped in it's tracks, or one of America's most wanted criminals being captured, I think the conversation can wait.

5.Phone stalkers
If you call me and for some reason I'm unable to answer my phone, leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as possible. It gets to me when people call, leave a message, then keep calling every five minutes leaving messages like " Hellooooo pick up the phone" . Some people leave a message like "Call me back it's extremely urgent" but when you call them back in a panic hoping to God that the emergency is not life threatening, it turns out to be nonsense. They'll be like "oh it's nothing, I just really wanted to ask what you think of the 100 degree weather. Really!

Psycho-man

I've been glued to my TV screen for the last hour or so. Intriguing movie maybe, you may ask? Far from it, but it might as well have been. A twenty something year old man was responsible for my couch potato tendencies this afternoon. He led police in a high speed chase on the freeway. So anyway, the story is that the cops ran his plate numbers, and discovered he had a warrant out for his arrest. So being the smart man he is, he thought he could outrun "big brother". Insert chuckle here. Well the chase was brought to a screeching halt when "psychoman" ran a red light, and was consequently t-boned by an oncoming truck. Thankfully nobody was seriously hurt, no thanks to psychoman's crazy antics. By the end of the live telecast, my mood had shifted from intrigued, to mad.

So what drives people to such insane lengths? Surely he knew he would ran out of gas eventually? Maybe his fear of going to jail drove (no pun intended) him to his "straight out of an action flick" adventure mode. Maybe he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. That would explain his behavior right? Maybe, but either way, he should still be held accountable for his actions. He put not only his life in danger, but also the lives of dozens of other motorists, and pedestrians. Self-centeredness at it's finest!

Word of advice, cooperate with "big brother". You can't outsmart him.

Has this been a cursed week or what!

I just found out that Billy Mays died this morning! For night owls like myself, you know him as the bearded man with jet black hair, and a voice as large as his television personality. He is also known for his exaggerated arm movements as he pitches for products such as "Oxiclean" and "Ka-boom".

Well, I just saw him a few days ago on the Conan O'Brien show. Conan had a good laugh at Billy's expense, making fun of his informercial antics. Billy was such a good sport about it though. A few days later, Billy's gone. Poof! Just like that.

As humans, we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday living that we forget we're living on borrowed time. Life is short people. Make your today count.


Rest in Peace Billy Mays

The King of Pop's final stop

I still can't believe that Michael Jackson is gone! Michael Jackson is dead! D.E.A.D! I can't believe it! It's surreal; like a nightmare all those who love him will never awake from. I am heartbroken. I was such a huge fan. My heart goes out to his little children, his parents. his siblings, all his friends and fans around the world. I feel like a part of me has died too. The reason I say this is because MJ was synonymous with my childhood. He was our hero back in the day. I remember watching my older brothers attempt to moonwalk, dress like him, act like he did. Not to be left behind, I practiced MJ's moves, and tried my hand at singing (I was not very successful on that front ). He was like our very own super hero! He started out with the Jackson 5 (way before my time), but when I came around, I grew to love those old hits. I still love his music to this day. Even before his death, any time I heard his music on the radio, I would blast the volume and jam to his awesomeness. I know he hadn't released any new material in a while, however, I held out hope that he would one day make an explosive comeback. People can say what they want about his personal life, but there is no denying the fact that Michael was and will forever be one of a kind. He was an incredibly talented man with unquestionable appeal. His music transcended all cultural and generational boundaries. Michael, often imitated, never duplicated! There will never be another MJ. Rest in perfect peace Michael Jackson. You will live on through your music.

Age-ophobia

Why do people have to grow older? I mean really! It's so unnecessary. I wish we had a say in deciding when we want the aging process to stop. It hit me the other day while on my way to work that I've been on a steady ascent since puberty. I feel I may have reached my peak; a plateau. Is it all downhill from here? Gasp! Dare I ask when the signs of my extended stay on mother earth shall manifest?

Time seems to fly once you hit adulthood. I don't remember the years during my younger days zoom past me at the speed they do now. Golly! Back then from one birthday to the next seemed like a decade. Not so much anymore! No sooner have I blown out my birthday candles than it's time for the next. Oh dear youth, why hast thou forsaken me?

Call me superficial, but why can't I just stay twenty something forever? Alright I'm asking for the impossible, so let's reach a compromise: at least let me look twenty something for the next thirty years. Pretty please? It appears to be that my pleas are falling on deaf ears. Botox in a few years anyone?

Oh well, I shall enjoy my youth while it lasts. I'll live in the moment and try not to think about a "" dentures in a glass, hard of hearing, wrinkly" future!

Don't forget about your inner child

Where did the time go? I went to sleep as a child and woke up an adult. Oh the joy of childhood, how I miss it so. I've led two vastly different lives, that of childhood, and this life I lead now as an adult. To be honest I think I preferred my first life. The innocence of childhood was priceless. This second life is way too complicated.

I remember once sitting through what I thought was the most boring speech of all time. I was getting ready to graduate from high school and the principal took it upon herself to arm us with awareness of the reality of the world before sending us on our merry way. She painted a picture of a cold, cruel, unforgiving world. Being the smart alecs that we were, one of us students yelled out, "it's ok, we'll bundle up in heavy coats to keep the cold at bay." Har har (insert dry laugh here). Well looking back now I realize how true the principals statements were. The grown up world is so much more difficult than the world of a child.

A wise person once told me to never let go of my inner child. It is without a doubt one of the best pieces of advice anyone has ever given me. I love how little kids are fascinated by the smallest things. I don't remember the last time I saw a ladybug, but when I was little they were a regular feature. It's not because they have suddenly become extinct, it's just that little ones take note of what we adults don't.
Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is so fulfilling. You notice the little bushy tailed squirrels, the red-bellied bird with a broken wing, the lovely sound of birds chirping in the morning, the different colors of the rainbow after the rain among other things adults don't have the time to notice, or are simply not interested in anymore.
I proudly proclaim the continued existence of my inner child. She may not be at the forefront anymore, but she makes appearances every so often, manifesting as my goofy side. I would be lost without her. She definitely keeps life interesting. I bet you're thinking I must have multiple personality disorder lol...I sure don't. I just acknowledge the presence of a "carefree, happy go lucky, rejoice in the little things" me. Try it, you'll be glad you did!

Think like a man

The title of Steve Harvey's new book " Act like a lady, think like a man" sparked my interest. I haven't had a chance to read it, but based on the rave reviews it's been getting I think it's worth a read.

Is it possible to think like a man though? What does it entail? Do all men have a way of thinking so drastically different from that of women? Do all men think the same?I am doubtful of the existence of a special class for men that teaches them how to act. A brain washing session is highly unlikely as well. How then is it possible to think like a man when they are not all the same? I think men have a certain way about them however, it would be folly to make blanket statements and conclude that they are all cut from the same cloth so to speak.

I've had some terrible luck with relationships. I still can't figure out the reasoning behind the actions of the men I dated. Now if I could think like a man....hmmmm that would help some. I'll read the aforementioned book and see if it will offer some insight into the complexity that is a man's way of thinking. Watch this space.

Cherish life

My day began at 4.30 am. The weather was still lousy; the lightning was pretty scary. The intermittent flashes of lightning was hurting my eyes.I had to wear sunglasses at 5am! Dork alert:-)

So anyway I got to the hospital in one piece (insert sigh of relief here), albeit a tad late. I shadowed a member of the rapid response team today as earlier scheduled. It was an experience like none other! No sooner had I set my tush down than we were paged about an emergency situation on one of the units. We arrived on the unit to a patient gasping for air but still able to verbally express her discomfort. The patient was promptly moved to one of the critical care units. We walked back to the office hoping the rest of the day would be "quiet". About an hour later we responded to a code blue alert, lo and behold, it was the same patient from earlier this morning. She had gone into cardiac arrest. We tried to revive her for over thirty minutes, however our efforts didn't bear fruit. Seeing her flat line set off an array of emotions in me. Why?Why? Why? Watching her families reaction to the sudden, unexpected tragedy was difficult. It was heartbreaking. I empathized with them, knowing too well how it feels to lose a loved one.

How short life is! It can end in the twinkle of an eye. It began questioning my own mortality. When my time comes, will I be ready? Is anyone ever ready? I am reminded of a song by Tim Mcgraw (not that I'm a country fan), "live like you were dying" I think it's called. Cherish each moment, take the time to smell the roses. Every second, every minute, every hour counts. Life is a gift; cherish it.

Unsung Heroes

Last week I began my residency, but not before an exhausting orientation session at school. Out the window went our preconceived notions of a smooth sailing clinical rotation. We had naively anticipated a non-stressful period free of papers, assignments, deadlines and late nights burning the midnight oil. Well needless to say we were slapped in the face with an overdose of reality: we are students to the very end! The wise choice was to suck it up, and take on all they threw my way with the same positive outlook that had seen me through my quest for higher education the last few years.

Well back to my residency. Last Tuesday was my first day on the unit. I was shaking like the dickens! I wasn't sure what to expect. However I soon overcame my insecurities and took on the challenge head first. I was fortunate enough to be placed at one of the best hospitals in the area. The staff are amazing. Each one has an important role to play and they play it well. I've been flying by the seat of my pants since my first day on the unit. There is so much to do, so little time! I love every minute of it though. This is truly my calling.
I have met truly inspiring people. They are not celebrities or famous in the sense of the word; however they are extraordinary in their own right. They have permanently impacted my life in more ways than one. My outlook on life has been transformed. Here I was complaining about something as trivial as a heavy course load while there are people out there fighting to survive another day. It's interesting how as mortals we tend to direct our focus on what we don't have and what we wish we had. We forget to take the time to appreciate what we do have. The simple things: waking up in the morning and not having to deal with excruciating pain; being able to see; hear, feel the warm rays of the sun on your skin; savor flavorful tastes....I could go on for days.
Life is arduous, however I think some people have it harder than others. "It's so unfair", I caught myself stating every so often. Why do people have to suffer like they do? However,the people I empathize with are not bitter, grouchy people wallowing in self-pity. They are jolly individuals who have accepted the hand they were dealt. Each one of them is an inspirational individual with a sunny disposition despite dealing with grave medical conditions. Without a doubt they are unsung heroes.