Monday July 27th, 2009
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Not always.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Not always.
Long distance relationships aka LDR's are a challenge to say the least. Well at least in my own personal experience.
I was once in a LDR with someone for a fairly long time. Close to 2 years to be precise. We met at a party and hit it off. The rest of the party was a blur, all I remember is being engrossed in a very interesting conversation that lasted for hours. So anyway, the guy was just in town for a short visit and would be heading back to his hometown the next day. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. True enough the week after that party, he called me, and we had a 6 hour phone conversation. We had so much to talk about, we connected on a subliminal level. As the weeks progressed,we made plans to meet. He was going to fly back to my hometown in a few weeks. That would be the first of many visits.
I was once in a LDR with someone for a fairly long time. Close to 2 years to be precise. We met at a party and hit it off. The rest of the party was a blur, all I remember is being engrossed in a very interesting conversation that lasted for hours. So anyway, the guy was just in town for a short visit and would be heading back to his hometown the next day. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. True enough the week after that party, he called me, and we had a 6 hour phone conversation. We had so much to talk about, we connected on a subliminal level. As the weeks progressed,we made plans to meet. He was going to fly back to my hometown in a few weeks. That would be the first of many visits.
We were both in school therefore we had to identify a time that would not conflict with either one of our schedules. Intricate planning went into it. Whenever we flew out to meet each other, my excitement was out of this world. Upon reuniting, our mutual anticipation was replaced by joy that knew no bounds. We made up for lost time by jam packing our days with activities like sight seeing, hiking,eating out, shopping, basically spending every single hour together.
Departures were the most difficult though. We got so used to spending every waking hour together that separation was heartbreaking. They were tearful events (for me anyway).
Departures were the most difficult though. We got so used to spending every waking hour together that separation was heartbreaking. They were tearful events (for me anyway).
When apart, we kept the flames of our love burning through various modes of communication: talking on the phone, video chatting, texting, send smoke signals :-), whatever it took to make it work.
A LDR was the right fit for me because I am the type of person who loves my own space. I hate feeling smothered, which also goes hand in hand with the fact that I get bored easily. If I had to see my significant other daily, I would soon get bored. When my BF and I would meet, we would spend every single hour together, but that was alright with me, because I knew it was only for a short time, and then I could go back to my independent lifestyle. It was a relationship on our own terms. When we were together we were a couple, but when apart we had the freedom of singlehood.
A LDR was the right fit for me because I am the type of person who loves my own space. I hate feeling smothered, which also goes hand in hand with the fact that I get bored easily. If I had to see my significant other daily, I would soon get bored. When my BF and I would meet, we would spend every single hour together, but that was alright with me, because I knew it was only for a short time, and then I could go back to my independent lifestyle. It was a relationship on our own terms. When we were together we were a couple, but when apart we had the freedom of singlehood.
All was not rosy though. After a while, seeds of trouble were sown in paradise.
Relationships are hard work to begin with, but the challenges faced by parties in a LDR are compounded to the tenth power. Trust is key to the success of a LDR. We were not grossly lacking in that department, but occasionally I questioned his honesty. I wondered if he was up to anything dodgy when he didn't pick up my calls, or didn't reply to my texts in an "acceptable" time frame. When mistrust begins to rear it's ugly head in a relationship, it spells trouble. I liked the excitement of a long distance relationship...initially. However, it reached a point where I longed for us to be closer. I was going through some personal issues in my life, but my boyfriend couldn't physically be there for me because of his hectic schedule. There were times when he also needed my emotional support, but I wasn't in a position to provide that for him.The long distance was killing us.
Relationships are hard work to begin with, but the challenges faced by parties in a LDR are compounded to the tenth power. Trust is key to the success of a LDR. We were not grossly lacking in that department, but occasionally I questioned his honesty. I wondered if he was up to anything dodgy when he didn't pick up my calls, or didn't reply to my texts in an "acceptable" time frame. When mistrust begins to rear it's ugly head in a relationship, it spells trouble. I liked the excitement of a long distance relationship...initially. However, it reached a point where I longed for us to be closer. I was going through some personal issues in my life, but my boyfriend couldn't physically be there for me because of his hectic schedule. There were times when he also needed my emotional support, but I wasn't in a position to provide that for him.The long distance was killing us.
There was also the tendency not to share everything with each other especially if it was depressing news. The reason being that we had such a short time to catch up at the end of the day,we wanted it to be a happy time. Consequently, there were issues we had to deal with on our own, as opposed to together, with some problems not being resolved altogether.
After a while we both got tired of the constant intricate planning before we could meet. I longed for the ability to walk, or hop into a car and go see my beau in a few minutes, to be able to have a laid back evening eating popcorn and watching movies whenever we wanted. I longed to be able to see him whenever I wanted to and not after several months as was the case.
It was the beginning of the end.
After a while we both got tired of the constant intricate planning before we could meet. I longed for the ability to walk, or hop into a car and go see my beau in a few minutes, to be able to have a laid back evening eating popcorn and watching movies whenever we wanted. I longed to be able to see him whenever I wanted to and not after several months as was the case.
It was the beginning of the end.
The end of the relationship occurred gradually. I began to detach myself emotionally. On what would be my last visit to see him, the excitement I once had was gone.I was exhausted; tired of the cross country commute. Truth be told I was just ready to see him, get the visit over and done with, and head back home promptly. I was fed up with the whole situation. On that particular visit, I noticed a distance between us that transcended our physical proximity. The excitement our relationship once boasted had faded into oblivion.
Although my long distance relationship was not a success story, I have always wondered how the transition from the mind set of a "long distancer" to a "short distancer" plays out. There is a risk of feeling smothered when you have been used to having your own space. All of a sudden, you have to deal with someone in your face more often. Familiarity breeds contempt. How does the couple maintain the excitement? How do they keep the sparks flying? These are questions I ponder. I wonder how I would have dealt with the whole transition had my LDR worked out.
Then there is the issue of who moves, because someone in the relationship will eventually have to move if the couple desire a long term relationship. I mean you can't exactly get married to the person, and continue having a long distance relationship forever. Maybe that concept has worked for a unique couple somewhere, if that's the case, then they are the exception. So back to my point, who gets to move? What if neither party wants to move, but they still love each other, then what? Well in my case, my boyfriend assumed I would be the one to move to his city.
I wasn't willing to do that though. We wanted to be together, but neither one of us was willing to pick up and move. Well maybe if we had discussed it in the beginning we could have decided the direction the relationship would take. It's obvious what happened next, we had to break up.
Granted some LDR's succeed, it involves a lot of work from both parties. It doesn't help that LDR's have their own unique challenges.
There were several factors that played into the final curtain call for my LDR, but I walked away from it with valuable lessons learned. Would I do it again? Ground rules would have to be determined from the get-go.
SoulSistah09
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